I’m the one who waltzed matilda, I am australian

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thoughts, part III.

what is it about australians – when you meet them overseas – that you are somewhat drawn to them? I can’t figure out what it is; is it the accent, the familiarity of a fellow aussie, their friendly nature or the warm smile that emerges when they talk that only australians tend to have?

on this trip, I’ve not travelled with anyone, nor caught up with anyone from home since I’ve been overseas – funny that, no one seems to ‘pop in’ to africa. oh wait, I met an awesome aussie, hollie, on my turkey trip who I then met up with in germany, but not an organised ‘oh I see you every weekend back home but we’re in the same country, lets meet up’ way. and that’s okay, it’s makes it more my trip, doing things by myself. it forced me to meet a huge bunch of interesting people in europe at bars or restaurants or tourist spots; not just drunk twenty-something’s in hostels. you get the amazing opportunity to be utterly yourself, not the person you might be around ‘this’ person or ‘that’ person.

whenever I go overseas, starting with my trip to italy with alex in 2009, there’s always bring one thing I bring with me – a book called “why you are australian” by nikki gemmell. she married her australian husband, moved to london and then had three children there, takes them to australia for 3 months & puts them into local public primary schools, then has to try to convince her husband that for the sake of their children, they should return ‘home’ to raise their kids; because nothing compares to an australian childhood. the general gist of the book is her writing a whole bunch of letters who her children explaining her choice of giving them an australian citizenship over an english one. I’ve included some of my favourite parts of the book:

overseas, if you’re rich you can buy opportunity. in australia, you can earn it. I love the idea of a country that says you can be whatever you want to be, no matter what your background, as long as you have the ability and work hard enough.

the first time I finished reading it, I was sitting on a train somewhere between venice and verona, and remember tearing up because of how much I love my country; I could understand the dilemma of loving where you come from but having the desperate urge to travel and stay away as long as possible; and I was only 18. I won’t spoil the plot but it is my favourite book. I’ve underlined my favourite parts, it’s filthy, pages have been turned over and permanently creased, the paper cover is torn and the hardback is covered in scratches and pen marks.

the smell of eucalyptus as the day softens into darkness. a tall night sky. stars! buttery, meltingly fresh fish. fruit, in its correct season, that tastes fabulously of the last, that tastes as it should. the scent of frangipanis and gardenias. the sound of a lawnmower on a lazy saturday afternoon, rain on the tin roof, the smell of water on hot concrete, wearing the marks of the sun long on my skin, sunscreen at the beach, the spit of salt in the air, the heady scents of summer, a cool breeze through the gum leaves, the deafening sound of cicadas.

I guess me taking the book with me every time I’m overseas gives me subtle reminders that no matter how much I love the country I’m currently visiting, it’s not my home. not that I’ve really fallen for a place other than australia. I suppose I could definitely see myself living in london for a little while – the city is incredible and has such deep history, incredible coffee and bars, wonderful restaurants and just generally a great scene. it’s so like melbourne, and maybe that’s why I’ve identified with it. but until the weather improves (ie. becomes like australia) I couldn’t live there for a long period of time. the cold would snap my bones, I couldn’t survive the blisteringly cold winters or the ‘spring’ days where the sun never breaks through the overcast cloud. I love london, just like I’ve loved bath and paris and antalya and berlin and vienna, but not enough.

give me the fierce and unforgiving heat of australia any day.

where playing barefoot is a signifier of freedom not impoverishment. where a backyard’s a given and not a luxury. where sunshine and fresh food grow children tall… where you learn that beautiful australian crawl… where you learn confidence and optimism and enthusiasm and reach.

being in kenya I’ve seen so many children who I wish I could give them the gift of my own childhood. where I played outside barefoot, not because I couldn’t afford shoes but because who needs them when you’re running around in the grass – only needing to be careful of dog poo and bees. not like here where kids are barefoot because their parents can’t afford to supply dinner that night, let alone a pair of shoes. kids walk over glass, sharp rocks, ‘flying toilets’, goat/sheep shit; literally everything. and yes I did similar things when I’d play with my cousins at my grandparents farm, but the difference was I wore gumboots or proper closed in shoes (mainly to avoid the stinging nettles and snakes hiding in long grass).

infact kids in australia today could benefit from the gift of my childhood. get rid of the computer games and the tv shows, get them outside in the fresh air. almost every afternoon as a child for me was spent outside playing with my sister and my dogs, where mum had to drag me inside to shower before dinner, where you’d collapse into bed exhausted at how much you crammed into that day. kids in australia could learn a thing or two from kids in kenya. get outside, off the play station, let the sun hit your skin and make your bones strong. if kids here are happy playing with wires for skipping ropes, at least kids at home with proper skipping ropes have got more than these kids have.

because it is not my land and never will be. because I’m not living in the place I’m meant to be living in. living overseas has taught me that whitefellas can have just as fierce an attachment to the australian soil as aboriginal people.

I was extremely lucky meeting susie, a fiercely independent and hilarious 22 year old australian from brisvegas. she graced me with her presence for 3 brilliant weeks during august when she was teaching music at our host mums school. it’s not every day you basically meet your other twin (meagan you’re still the first and you would love susie), especially in a country like kenya. finally, I could speak ‘australian’ and there was someone there to understand what I mean when I said bogan (constantly trying to explain to canadians & americans what a bogan is and the only parallel I could draw was ‘redneck’ and that still doesn’t quite bring kath and kim, short shorts or jeggings, ugg boots and flannies together), someone who understands that being open about bowel movements is not unusual, someone who didn’t look at me funny when I said certain words.

the originality and vigour of the australian language. esky, servo, ambo, tradie. battler – and at the other end of the spectrum, bludger. trackies, arvo, barras and blowies. a southerly buster, yakka and woop woop and nipper.

a total breath of fresh air. and that’s the thing, you meet so many people on your travels who teach you so much, who surprise you all the time, but meeting someone exactly like you with the same level of crass humour and sarcasm and not having to watch what you say is incredibly calming – soothing almost – like a hug from ya mum.

I’ve decided that I’m a hugely patriotic australian. actually I haven’t really decided it, I just realised it more than ever before. I didn’t feel like my room here in nairobi was my own until I sticky-taped the australian flag mum sent me on my wall next to my bed (not that there’s a flag stuck in my room) but its the little things. I love meeting other people who are proud of where they come from. I’m pretty sure I’ve already written this, but I love being in kenya because everyone is so proud of their country. sadly being proud doesn’t directly translate to taking care of the country – people still throw rubbish everywhere – but hey, a perfect world has never and is likely to never exist.

I can’t wait to come back to kenya, especially now that I’m planning to start a project ensuring children get sponsors to go to school each and every year (but more on that in the coming days). but I could never live here. stay here for a long time to see this project get started, yes, but not forever. infact I could travel forever, but I know australia will always be my home. why would you want to live anywhere else when we’ve truly got it all?

I realise now I definitely could have taken a gap year straight after high school and not waited until I had got some sort of qualification (even though then I was only going to take 2 years to finish my commercial cookery certificates, not spend 4 years learning how to save lives and take care of people when they’re sick). I didn’t then because I was certain I would fall in love with somewhere overseas, never return, never go to uni. I don’t regret a thing, not even a little bit, I’m so proud of have finished and completed what I did in those four years.
but isn’t that always the way… if only you knew then what you know now.

I’m a photophiliac, a lover of the light. lock me in the sunshine.

when you try your best but you don’t succeed

wai – my new friend from the medical camp in naivasha – wrote of another heartbreaking story yesterday. a patient was brought into the clinic without a pulse. according to wai, an emergency nurse from malaysia, the patient clearly hadn’t been ‘down’ long so went to start CPR, only to be told by the staff (of which there are no doctors) not to worry, that they wouldn’t get her back. probably as they didn’t have anything to resuscitate her with… no adrenaline, not even an ambu-bag.

the girl was not even 16.

yesterday, she died because of her circumstance. because of a lack of resources. because she didn’t live 5 minutes from a level 1 trauma centre, nor have some of the highest trained paramedics in the world at her call. because even if she was brought back, being intubated requires not only a specific skill set but also the resources in the first place, which is unlikely to be seen in a rural sub-Saharan african clinic. having manual airway support and requiring a cocktail of drugs to keep her pressure up requires a clinic to actually have the oxygen and drugs in the first place. and if she then needed ICU care, where would she go? who funds it?

I can only surmise that the staff in this clinic realise all of these potential questions and come to a point where they’re really quite helpless. that the situation is hopeless.

our health system in australia is somewhat in pieces at the moment, it has been for a while. entire wards being shut down, ambulances ramped at hospitals for hours, beds being unused, a severe lack of staff, no support from the hiring body, overworked, underpaid, undervalued. but fuck me, at least we have one. at least it’s not helpless or hopeless. the staff I’ve worked with have always worked tirelessly to ensure a patient gets the most care possible. it may not always be one with a big happy smile on their face, but it gets done. god, we worked on a patient in an ED for over an hour trying to bring him back. he’d been down for sometime but the doctor was tireless in ensuring he’d done absolutely everything for this guy until we called it quits.

and, at least 15 year olds don’t die in australia just because of where they live. even the most rural parts of the country have volunteers/paramedics on call. anyone of us could’ve been born here, that could have been any one of us. I can’t believe I’ve had to attend patients with a broken toe nail or period pain, that I’ve had patients walk into an ED complaining of a hangover, that people call 000 for the man flu or ‘liver pain’ (an actual job I went to) when people are actually sick and dying.
honestly could count more people on my fingers and toes who would benefit from seeing life on this side of the world.

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

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six weeks in africa and I’m certain I have seen the absolute worst of it. living between and/or under sheets of corrugated iron, having a floor of dirt, kids wearing what used to be shoes but have no soles left so are practically barefoot, adults and children not eating more than once a day, children using old wires for skipping ropes, the fact that a girl my age died after bleeding out because abortions are illegal here, kids who are orphans after their parents passed away from aids then become street kids and are addicted to sniffing glue, watching people suffering from polio crawl along the dirt road.
there are no words to describe how sad it can be here.

before I left home, a lot of beautiful people wrote me going away/good luck cards – all of which I brought with me and have stuck on my wall. a memorable one, from my mums (and my) beautiful friend angi – originally from south africa – which has pride of place smack bang in the centre. part of it says:

we hope you have the most amazing time experiencing all the delights africa can give and that they overpower all poverty and cruelty.

and that couldn’t be more true. while so many things are sad here, it’s the kids are what get me every time. I’ve been sick for at least 3 weeks now and before school was over for their holidays, I still wanted to go regardless of how rotten I felt because of how inspiring they are. life has dealt them probably the shittest card in the entire deck and yet they are at school 6 days a week because they don’t want to be criminals when they grow up. it brings back a whole lot of memories about how much I hated high school when I first started, mostly as it was all girls and I missed being around boys. I look at that now and think of how conceited that is. I hated school just because I was better friends with people who had penises. at least I could go to school, and not just any school, one of the best schools in australia.

other things I’ve come to severely miss and/or appreciate more than I ever did:

proper ice cold beer
kenyans do not understand/appreciate that concept. unless its over 35 degrees celcius here, it’s never classified at hot, so drinking cold beer on a ‘cold’ day of 30 degrees is unheard of. I will not give in, will not be tempted to drink warm beer – no matter how bad of a day I’ve had.

having a laundry
washing machine/dryer combinations are a beautiful thing. I didn’t realise this until I’ve had to hand wash my clothes in hotel/hostel/apartment sinks through europe or hand wash in buckets in the yard in kenya. I found a lady down the road who has a washing machine and washed an entire bag of my clothes including jeans, denim jacket, 5 tshirts, yoga pants, singlets and skirts for only 300ksh (about au$4.50).talk about luxury!

making a cup of tea with pasteurised & homogenised milk
a huge thing in kenya is that a lot of their milk is unsafe to drink cold, it must be boiled. I’m sure that’s why I was sick a lot I’m my first few weeks here, because the ‘chai’ (kiswahili for tea) they make here is done by boiling water and milk together and then mixed with a powder, which I’ve come to love. not only can you not drink the milk if its not boiled, but also the water, and I’m sure it hadn’t been boiled properly. but ashley, another volunteer, went to our local supermarket and found pasteurised, homogenised milk… I think I cried of happiness. the pure joy of boiling the unsafe tap water to (what I hope is ‘100 & kill every bug in this water’ degrees) pour over an earl grey tea bag (nicer than the english breakfast here) and then putting cold milk in (like normal people do) was just amazing, infact I did a happy dance in the kitchen when I had my first sip. I’m not even kidding. weeks of improvising and making do with what you have is fine, but it is pretty sweet to have a little slice of home.

australia
I’ve always been a pretty patriotic aussie, I love where I come from. but I still have the urge to travel, but that’s not because I don’t love where I live, it’s just because I want to see something different. but I truly appreciate home. the other week, we watched blood diamond and I remember watching it the first time years ago and being absolutely horrified at how people live & how they’re treated. whereas this time, when watching it in africa, my first thought was literally “wow, that looks like the street I live on”. no word of a lie. I love to travel, but australia will always have my heart.

advice from my mum
I met a truly beautiful girl, nat, from the uk who bravely told me about her mum passing away a couple of years ago from a very aggressive cancer. I couldn’t help but question if I could do this trip without my mum, who is never more than a phone call away – albeit often an expensive one.

being a girl and having equal opportunities in my country
one day, my host sister vicky (5 year old) asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had a little bit of a laugh, told them I was already ‘grown up’ (whatever that means) and that I’m a nurse and a paramedic. she had no idea what a paramedic was so I told her they’re the people who work in ambulances. I got the strangest looks from her, along with a little bit of a bewildered laugh, to which she tells me “but thats what boys do”.

having at least 3 meals a day
the school I have been working at a lot, little ray of hope, has become my second home. but the life stories these kids have behind them are enough to bring anyone to tears. I don’t know if, when anyone else was a child, they were told “kids are starving in africa” if you didn’t finish your dinner, but it’s true. serving sizes here are so small, sometimes non-existent.

a lot of them don’t get breakfast or dinner at home, because they’re families are just so poor they have absolutely no money to spare on food and depend on the one mug of ‘porridge’ the kids get for morning tea at school. so they come to school on an empty stomach, which no child should ever do because how on earth can you learn on an empty stomach? they get their ‘porridge’ at about 11am and many don’t bring lunch from home, so the teachers try to buy some street food for them – like beans or chips, something to tie them over until they get home. but for a lot of them, that mug of porridge and half a handful of braised beans is all they eat.

I’m using quotation marks for the porridge because its not like you and I know porridge at home; you know, the nice oats cooked with milk and then sometimes you put brown sugar or honey or banana or all three on top. no, this is like a purple sludge that contains at least 4 types of grain which is excellent for growing kids but not overly appetising. but these little angels take it with such excitement every time; I’m there so often I’ve memorised their prayer.

when I want to pray, I put my hands together, I close my eyes, I bow down my head, then I say: thank you god for this porridge of today, bless our porridge, in jesus’ name, amen.

writing all this isn’t meant to make anyone feel bad about how good they’ve got it at home. I’m not turning into a martyr, I still appreciate the extravagant meal I had in paris, I would still happily spend $5 on a good single origin espresso, I still love expensive wine, I still crave fresh seafood that costs an arm and a leg.

but if anything, I appreciate it all even more than I ever did. even my crazy extended family with all their unending dramas, I appreciate being happy and healthy and having a family who pushes me to do new things and go see the world and work hard, that I have parents who are willing to support me in my crazy endeavours, that I have friends who are strong enough to listen to me whinge about all sorts… that my plate has always been full, in more than just the ‘food’ sense.

in the words of angi,

vic, you will love africa; it’s rhythm, smell and beauty will intoxicate you, but hopefully not too much to lose you to it

well I’m not lost yet, but after six months, I might very well be.

on a completely unrelated note, all my new found volunteer friends have left/moved to a different program and I’m back to ‘travelling alone’ – at least until the next bunch arrive. so for now, kind of like the last king of scotland, I’m the last australian in kenya. x