and time is forever frozen still



most of you know how much little ray of hope means to me, and if you haven’t caught on, that’s why I’m back in kenya. walking to school on monday morning felt weird; just as everything has since I got here. it definitely doesn’t feel as though I left africa two years ago, went home, got a big girl job, worked for a while and then returned. it’s as if I literally went home for a smidge of time and now I’m back – but sadly not for the same six month duration. walking up the same road I walked for months and nothing changed. I don’t exaggerate when I say nothing. the same shops line the road, the same people sit in their shop fronts, the same adult idiots shout out mzungu (maybe different idiots but idiots nonetheless), the same smell of decomposing animals, burning plastic, dumped rubbish, typhoid infested water, animal and/or human shit, body odour and smoke. 



 





I know I was teary when I saw anna at the airport, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the waterworks that flowed from my eyes when I walked up the stairs of the apartment building the school is in and into the classroom – only to be met with a huge warm smile from evelyn. I sobbed. and I couldn’t really stop. the love I have for this place, this incredibly selfless and tireless woman, and the kids, is indescribable. 

the hard part after that was then saying hi to all the kids, only to have them see my reddened eyes and tears down my cheeks – the same worried look on their faces that so many had when I said goodbye in 2013. I tried my best to explain they were happy tears; but for children who are 3 years old or younger and don’t even speak swahili let alone english, my attempts at making myself feel less like an over emotional wreck were somewhat futile. they were beautiful though, the kids. in both classrooms, I walked in and received the most thunderous cheer and when I asked if those who knew me remembered my name, it was in unison: “victoria!” yep, there’s goes the waterworks again. I have a lot to thank my mother for. 



so many new faces to learn, so many little humans with their own stories. many of the kids I knew from last time are still here, just two years older and almost unrecognisable. some children were moved into the country with their family or with guardians as nairobi has become too dangerous and too expensive to survive in.  





one of my little angels who I fell head over heels for in 2013, christabel, was only 3 when she came to little ray of hope after her very young mother (only 14 years old) died whilst giving birth to her. she had such a beautiful little grin and loved skipping and colouring in. she isn’t at the school anymore, and I asked evelyn if she knows if christabel has moved into the countryside – like so many of the little ones I knew here. she told me that the lady who was caring for her was married and her husband didn’t care for christabel or that his wife was looking after her. so he banned her from the house and asked his wife to take her elsewhere. no one has seen her since; evelyn has heard that she could be in kibera (the biggest slum in nairobi and second biggest slum in the world) or in eldoret (a town very west of nairobi) but no one is sure. my heart broke hearing this. god only knows where this little angel is, if she is safe or even alive. I hate this place sometimes; it’s cruel heart-wrenching reality breaks the hardest of hearts.



christabel giving me a huge hug before I left in october 2013



 I also got to spend the whole day with beth, the little abandoned bub who evelyn has now adopted, and was named after my sister. man has she grown, and she is definitely wary of strangers. she cried this first time I dtried to hug her, and then as the day went on, she warmed to me and ended up running (yes she’s only 18 months old) into my arms. what a lucky little girl; I would hate to think what may have happened to her if evelyn hadn’t agreed to care for her. such a beautiful natured little munchkin.





it’s been an emotional three days at school, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. x